Crow Whispers

You Are Here( no really its where I am, not you)

2008-11-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

I am here.

I know its been awhile since I have updated this blog. A lot has been happening since July but the basic summary is...

I finally moved out of my ex's house. That happened at the end of October, at the end of the CTRF(Connecticut Renaissance Faire) which was my deadline. *sigh of relief*

Did I find a job? No. Did I find an apartment? No. So why the sigh? Because I did what I said I would do and I am finally out of his hair. Are things any better? No, just different and now he can get on with his life. His life without me.

So the majority of my life and things are in storage and I am in my mother's basement with the stuff I need to function. My mother jokingly called it my apartment. I am not thrilled with that statement, but for now its true until I can fix things.

I am looking for employment here. No lock but no surprise due to the state of the economy. But each day I get up and check my emails to see if I have any responses to my queries. I check the job postings, my websites, my Etsy, my blogs. I am putting one foot in front of the other and taking my baby steps. Maybe eventually if I turn around I will see I made it to Athens...

I will put here that I did open up an Etsy page:

www.Om3studio.Etsy.com

So if anyone actually reads this blog and want to check that out, well, there it is.

The summer wasn't totally a depressing state. I was able to connect with a lot of people at faire whom I had made friends with in the past. The difference this time was I was doing it as my own entity and not part of a couple. It was a nice change.

My friend Ana allowed me to belly dance at her 5pm show at the NYRF and for that I was very fortunate. She is a great person and I am so thankful that she allowed me to do that. I gave me a bit of myself back. I found myself dancing a lot this summer and into the fall faire season. I hope I can keep that up as I think I would like that as part of my life and my "new" identity.

So I am in New England. At least I will be here for the holidays, something I have missed over the past few years. Last year we didn't even decorate for the winter holidays, which depressed me severely. This year that won't happen.

I guess I was supposed to end up in the basement. I guess I needed to reconnect with my roots. I had told someone that I am in the same place I was when I was 17, looking to start my life back then. I have returned and I am looking to start my life over.

I hope this time when I walk down the road, that I don't stumble and fall quite so many times.

Songs and my lack of life

2008-07-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

All I can think of is song titles right now...Upsidedown...Crazy...Road to Nowhere...I am sure that there are others to describe what I am going through and how I have been feeling over the past month.

First, I was supposed to have moved out of this house that I have been living in for 8 years with the man I have had a relationship with for 15 years or so...

My deadline was June 3oth. I was convinced I would be able to be out before then. I was shooting for May 30th. I had talked to a few people, arrangements were being made. I went to see the places to get an idea of the places I could move.

One place I thought I could move, the landlady decided she didn't want to rent it any longer. The second place is not in the process of being sold..and I had somethings I left there to store..so now I have to frantically figure out how to get those things out of there. The third place will not work do to lack of space and other financial considerations.

The third place I had been set to move to on July 1st. I had rented a u-haul, arranged with people who would drive it for me. I changed mailing address items to this new place, and contacted various governmental people to have papers sent there. I went to the house to clean an area so that in the 3 days when the u-haul was to arrive that there would be space to unload my things to...until I could move them to their designated holding areas.

It didn't work out. There was no space, nor would there ever be enough space for my things. There was the decision of where large powertool type things were to go..and the total rearranging of this persons life would have had to have been done...because of me. We didn't know each other well and I don't think that much was thought through and so the plan to move was made null and void.

I had to go back to the house I was living in with my tail between my legs and "failure" stamped on my forehead.

And this was the week after I turned 40.

I will always remember this birthday year. The year everything fell through. There was no party to mark this major life passage, just me packing boxes and worrying that I wouldn't have enough tape.

I have just learned that the person who was going to help move me just got into a car accident. If I lived in any other century they would have burned me as a jinx or a witch. Everyone I have come in contact with who has offered to help me, something bad has happened to and I can only feel that it is due to the association with me.

So there I am...in a pity puddle.

Now I am trying to figure out how to get out again, with nowhere to go. I am looking into storage for my things. If my things can be safe, well then it really won't matter what happens to me....

So off I go in another direction, hoping that this time I can find something that will work and I can move forward in my life...and get back to my artwork that has been put on hold for 6 months now.

Back from Fairie Festival

2008-05-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of me as "Forest Guardian"

taken in front of my booth at the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm.

Today it is raining and I have been back from Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm in Glen Rock, PA for 3 days now. I sort of miss it.

For 3 days before the event I was very stressed out about all the things I needed to do, the packing of costumes, sleeping, the booth items(tent and tables and displays) and camping items. The packing of stock, my cards, magnets and woodburned pieces. The last minute woodburning of items and the large project of repackaging all of my cards, which was not the smartest thing to do before a large event, added to the stress. Even though I did get sleep, when I woke up I wasn't rested.

My friend and I left for the festival on Thursday. He drove as I do not. He was working for my friends at Reyen Design Studios, who were also to be my neighbors at the faire, so it was a pseudocarpool thing. I felt bad because we were both strapped for cash and I couldn't really contribute to the gas. So he should be sainted for driving me and my stuff there and back and for helping with the set up and break down of the booth. It took us 4 hours to get there.

The weather forecast had called for rain all three days of the event. We were very fortunate that the only rain we saw was a little drizzle and hour before we arrived and about 15 minutes worth on the second day of the event.

I love the Fairie Festival. The people who own the land and the people who run the event are wonderful people. The people who attend the event are pleasant, intelligent and a joy to see. Many of them dress up in costumes to add to the flavor of the event.

I was also happy to be in the same spot that I was last year. I knew my neighbors, I am just up the hill from one of the stages where they have live music. I was able to hear a band that I heard last year Telesma. I purchased a CD from them last year and listened to it all year, so it was great to hear them live again.

I hope I am able to work/attend the event next year, but my life is very much in the air right now that I don't know what I am doing from day to day.

If you would like to learn more about the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm you can take a look:

http://www.fairiefestival.net/

Priorities

2008-04-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

Running around like a chicken with my head cut off...That was me last week.

I am currently juggling several things that all need my equal attention and I am trying to get ready for The Fairie Festival in PA that is in less than a week.

My friend Joe has approached me to start painting fairies for his pewter lines. This is a great opportunity for me, though it is tedious and time consuming. It would mean a tiny bit of money in my pocket, more than I have now. If it works out...

I try not to get my hopes up too much about projects any more as they all tend to pan out(this phrase always intigues me...it must be a 'goldrush" term). Children book illustrations, magazine illustrations, stationary illustrations, pipe designs, tattoo designs, pewter figure designs, leather designs, gift shops in various states...I am sure there are more things that were job opportunities that people have approached me on that fell through, but at the moment I can't think of them all.

So, as I was saying...I started painting these fairies, because he was coming up to visit and I wanted to have a group done for him #1 so he could take them with him, #2 we would save on shipping charges and #3 I could get some pay.

But....

I also am working on Fairy Hair Falls for Reyen Design Studios. This work doesn't come in that often, so when it does I try to grab the opportunity when I can. David and Dorita are working next door to me at the Fairie Festival, so their deadline for this project is the same deadline I have set for my artwork...in less than a week.

So I am working on that, and the fairies.

And...

I am trying to replenish my stock that was depleted at the Sci-Fi Convention. That is very time consuming. Drawing the design takes a while in itself, but then I have to woodburn over the pencil. And, at this festival I am also allowed to sell my art cards...another thing that has been depleted and I haven't been able to get my stock levels up due to the fact that ink is so expensive for my printer. Also getting to a shop requires a trip of 45 minutes one way and I can't get there when I need to because I rely on someone else to drive me. My driver has been busy with things of his own so I can't ask him to take me anywhere, so I have been making due with what I don't have.

But I was gifted with some ink and I can print up another run of cards. I have to go through my stock and see what I really need, as I still have limited quantities of ink and the printer sucks down ink like a...you fill in the blanks with a phrase of your choice.

And I have to pack. I still have to move. I am in Limbo right now because of this show that I invested A LOT of money into, so I can't move until its over. But I still have to pack.

So these were the things that I was juggling last week.

Thus "headless chicken".

This week, the fairies are almost done. Joe didn't take them with him, but "Okayed" them so I am expecting a shipment of more. I didn't get paid yet, as the fairies are still in the house. He is expected to take them away at the end of May.

Fairy Hair Falls, I am working on a few each day, as with the woodburning. The Art cards have changed their presentation, so this has created a new set of issues. I recently ordered new bags for the cards throwing a "spanner in the works"(I love that phrase). Repackaging them isn't going to be a problem, just time consuming. The problem is in the display. I need to obtain a new box and dividers. I could probably find these at the craft store, but my driver has a life and is very busy so I don't expect to go to "civilization" before the fest.

I am back to making roses out of dung.

Yesterday I packed 9 boxes. So much for the boxes can wait...

But today is a new day...

With a whole new set of priorities....

Days like these

2008-03-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough few days. I have been trying not to think and just do. Trying to distract myself from the creeping depression that lurks in every shadow, seen and unseen.

It creeps in when I think that I may not be able to get to a show I have been expecting to work. A show that I was guaranteed to make a little bit of pay. All due to the fact that the Universe decided to kick the truck in the head gasket.

So I may just be screwed blue but not quite tattooed.

It just figures.

So what am I doing about it? Not a hell of a lot I can do. Yet again I am at the mercy of the "Universal HAHA" which says "How you like them apples?" I would rather not have apples, thank you. Perhaps a nice pomegranate or some sweet, red raspberries instead?

So I keep woodburning my little boxes. I am going to need them in case a miracle drops from the sky and I am able to get to and work I-Con, because god only knows if I am going to be working Fairie Festival the way my life has been dealing me cards. And this is supposed to be a "beneficial year"...snicker.

And even though I was in a great big pity puddle, I was able to get a few pieces of my artwork out of the old "pentium 2/ windows 98-running computer" and transfer them to the "dad computer" and then burn some of the files to disk. I took one of my older, more favorite pieces of art work and "made it new".

You can now see it on a few items on my Cafe Press page and my Zazzle page. The image that I used can be seen at the top of this posting. I put it on a few shirts and some mugs, at present. I hope to get it on a few more pieces, but "dial up won't let me".

I think that will be my battle cry for a bit. "Honey, why didn't you empty the cat box?" "Why, dear, dial up won't let me." "Why didn't you wash these dishes?" "Dial-up wouldn't let me."

So maybe I will be able to do what I need to do today and successfully stave of the looming, growing depression, "dial up willing".

This week From the Studio

2008-03-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

These two pictures are 2 of the several boxes that I completed this week. The one on the bottom is my "current" Frog Prince-3/08. The one on the top is my "current" Jasmine Fairy 3/08.

Both of these faeries tend to sell out quickly, so I am constantly having to make new ones. It can be a pain, since they are all done freehand, no carbon transfers or templates. But it is good at the same time, because I get to change the designs and positioning or the figures, but at the same timeit can be bad, because if I really like the faces, they never come out the same way twice. Artist's, we are never happy...even when we are.

I am getting ready for I-Con, the sci-fi event at Stoneybrook University on Stoneybrook, Long Island.

I have been working for my friend at Black Dragon Pewter in the dealers' room at the event for many years now and in addition to helping him sell his pewter, Raven allows me to put my artwork out for sale. So the two boxes will probably be going with me to I-Con, unless someone writes me and decides they want to purchase them before I leave next week.

I-Con will be happening on April 4th-6th. For more information you can take a look at their website by visiting:

http://www.iconsf.org/

I also wanted to thank whomever purchased one of my mermaid mugs from my Zazzle page. It made me do the happy dance and lifted my moral. One thousand blessings upon your head.

If anyone is interested in taking a look at what I am talking about, you can click the zazzle link in the margin of my page, or go to the bottom of the page and click on the flash window, it should take you there.

Or you can click right here:

www.zazzle.com/om3studio*

Don't forget to check out my cafepress page too:

www.cafepress.com/om3studiocafe

Paperwork that never goes away...

2008-03-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have been back from my really enjoyable mental health retreats. I really didn't want to leave the places I had been staying but unfortunately I had NY State Sales taxes to file and it is a good thing that I did come back when I did because I had another governmental document debacle that I had to deal with.

The never ending, never rectified passport "prove who you are" supplementary worksheet. See I had thought that this was all done when I had received a phone call from my roommate who had informed me that what "felt like my passport" had come in. Though I was raised to never count my chickens before they hatch, I foolishly believed that my passport was there, waiting for me.

Boy, was that foolish. After Vylitte dropped me off and I had done some unpacking, I sat down for my "reward". I slowly opened the envelope and found....

That is wasn't my passport but more papers that I had to fill out to prove I was me. Not only did I have to list every place I lived, every job I had ever held and all of the schools I had ever attended and dates...I had to provide a minimum of 5 pieces of id that was ten years or older.

SI had to call the mother I didn't have...She couldn't believe it, what I was going through, not the fact that I had called her back.

Then the document hunt began. She went through all of my stuff at home in Massachusetts, while I went through all of the boxes of things that I hadn't yet started to pack up toward moving. It has taken me about a week, but I finally was able to get dates, places and all the pertinents, along with photocopies of documents collected together. All of the stuff was shipped off to Passportlandia priority mail on Monday. I hope I didn't piss anyone off too bad and that I actually get my passport. It would be nice since I filed it in January and have been playing document pingpong ever since.

The rest of the week was bad. No progress in finding work, funding or emotional relief. I signed up with an "online money making thing" which may or may not be a scam. I am trying to figure it out and trying to get it to work for me, but it is slow going. Thing is things that work for most people don't seem to work for me, ask anyone who has known me for awhile...its just the way of things.

But each day I sign on to the 2 sites I have to work with and do my "little work". I check my survey sites, and my artwork sites to see if anything is bearing fruit. I answer emails, check classified ads, check the HUD site, work on my blogs.

I have been trying to post more of my art and events on my blogs, self promotion was one of the reasons I started these things, in addition to the lovely place to vent and give people a peek into my world and my "head".

So the next post will most likely show you...what I have been up to in the studio.

Stay tuned...

Preparing to pack

2008-03-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

My time in Ny at "Vylitte's Lakeside Retreat" is over tomorrow. and as luck would have it it is raining, yuck and I have a cluster headache. Which makes it hard to type and do all the last minute email checking and research that I need to do on line before I leave.

So I am going to attempt to pack up in small "doses". I am happy about one thing though and that is that my friend Maggie was able to get me some boxes to pack up my things from her second job. When I get home I can resume putting my life away and taping it up. At least that is something I can do, all my other options for moving for ward in my life have fallen through.

I posted a flash panel for my Zazzle at the bottom of my page and on my Live Journal page as well, so people can find it. I have had things listed on that site for over a month and a half now and not even a nibble on any of my products. At least I sold one thing on Cafepress, not that I am getting my money because I still haven't reached their minimum for them to mail my money to me. But I'll just keep trying.

I also relisted some on my ebay items that didn't sell before I went on my trip to Mich's. I am hoping that something will sell as I would like to make a little cash toward my bills and "moving fund" and clean house a bit.

This week coming up should be on the busier side for me. I have to file my quarterly state taxes, pay some bills, continue to do research and woodburn boxes for I-Con in April and the Fairie Festival in May. I hope this year is a little better than last year, but with the price of crude oil driving the price of gasoline up, I seriously doubt it.

Its sad that no matter how hard you try and work hard and do the right thing something outside of your control always seems to be waiting to dash your hope and kick you back in to the gutter.

When can I breathe?

2008-03-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

At some point in the day I hit the "crying place".

Things had started out alright, good in fact. I was actually enjoying the day and a got a few things accomplished. Then the bottom fell out.

I went to check on the insurance quote that I have to purchase for the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm. Everything looked out...but I am an idiot and should have read it through more carefully. My "checks and balance man" who lives in my brain must have taken a bathroom break and everything seemed "go". I payed for the policy and they when I was printing up the policy for my files, before I sent the PDF off to the promoters of the event...I noticed there was no medical coverage, as was required. Then I noticed there was no Fire coverage...a basic need and requirement for this festival. Sigh.

But I noticed this as I was replying to an email and suddenly a Windows Automatic Update(I hate damn Vista) caused the computer to shut down. Then the downward spiral began.

I have to go and make supper for my hostesses in 20 minutes and I am feeling pressured...my own doing though...

I had to write an email to the Special event insurance contact to inform her I was an idiot and hopefully, this policy can be fixed. Its already paid for by this idiot..a policy that I can't use. Grrr.

This got me to thinking about the contents of 2 emails that upset me, knocking me down 2 more rungs on the emotional ladder. One reminded me about how people never listen to you and the other brought me right back into the land of "YOU Have Nowhere To Live".

To address the second thought...no-live-landia....I looked at the room that I was going to possibly rent that is part of the basement where my friends have their apartment where I am currently staying. I don't think its going to work. Which now narrows my 2 possible options to zero. I can't call anyone on the phone to talk and what would I say if I could..."oh pity me?" Nobody did when I mentioned my "issues" a month and a half ago when my life the bottom fell out of my life, nobody is now as I try to pick up the piece but find I had nowhere to turn, and nobody will in the future because that is just how my life is.

Someone responded to a posting I made requesting ideas on how to proceed in fixing my life on a site dedicated to financial assistance telling me I should join the army. I am 39 and not in the best of health. Hmmm, thanks for suggesting it. I think I will go to my local recruiter right now.

Maybe I can get shipped over seas and not come back...on second though...Where CAN I sign up?

In case you lost me...

2008-03-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

I left Coventry, Ct, but didn't go home like I was originally supposed to.

I was sad about not finishing at least some of what I had set out to do while I was at my friends' home. Before I left I mentioned on one of my other blog pages that I wanted to be adopted for a week. Boy was I happy when someone actually responded. I think I would have felt really stupid if I had had no takers.

So off I went to Holmes, NY. My CT friends were happy that they didn't have to make the 4 hour drive to take me home. Instead the drive was only 2 hours.

I had stayed here last year around this time, but in a different place. LOL. Here I meant with this same group of friends, not the physical location, and thus a different place. Their last apartment was nowhere as nice as this one. It was bigger, but there were more problems with their Landlord and their apartment would flood whenever it rained. They lost a lot of their things, some of of it being books...which is sad and actually a crime.

But they found a new place shortly after I had left their place last year. Their Landlady is better and so far the apartment is dry. I had stayed here on the weekends that I had been working the Southern, CT Ren Faire, so I had had an idea of what it looked like. This is actually one of the places on my list of possible places to live.

Tonight I am supposed to, possibly, take a look at the room I would be renting(if I actually get any money). I can then have a visual to figure out if my stuff will fit in there.

I really don't know what to do. I am having no luck on finding leads on work, grants, or other ways to get money that are legal. I did mail out my latest housing lottery form. I am keeping my fingers crossed(that will explain the typos in this blog), that I get accepted. Again, I don't know how I will pay for it, but I would feel more self-sufficient. I have had a bad track record with roommates, a get sort of hedgy when the "take a roommate idea" is mentioned.

So I am continuing my intensive search for financial assistance, but it is a bit more difficult, in a different way, than it was in CT as the three of us are sharing the same computer.

I hope a viable option or lead rears its head soon as I am starting to lose patience in trusting in things I cannot see.

A Day in the Life-March 4th

2008-03-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Coventry,CT safe and sound. I was physically a wet dishrag and no matter what I did I felt like I had been put through the wringer. My friend Mich was the same way. I think it was lack of real sleep for the 3 days before I arrived. That and the 6 day headache I had that just wouldn't quit. Sunday was the day I got nothing done.

I am staying in the little apartment that they have that adjoins the house. Its nice to have a little quiet space to retreat to. There is a door that adjoins the kitchen so if I want to talk to my friend when she is home and is working on her Uberkuchi.com business...I just open the door. I can sit in "my space" and work in the lap top she is letting me use and still keep her company.

Sunday I got settled in my apartment and we tried to watch Long Way Round with Mich's husband. But as luck would have it the DVD player wouldn't read the disk. We had to relocate to a different room and watch the movie on the computer. We barely were able to do that since Andrzej fell asleep and Mich and I were both fading fast.

Monday was spent answering emails, checking my art accounts, Mich packing up shipments for orders placed while she was away. We were able to go to a few "ethnic" grocery stores I had asked to go to when I had arrived. I was able to pick up a few spices I had depleted and a few health care items that I couldn't get living in Eldred.

We had intended on going for Indian food, but every time we found a place it seemed to be closed to prepare for the dinner shift. We ended up at a Vietnamese place. I had never eaten that typed of food so I was really excited. The place was really clean, the women who owned the place was very nice and the food was excellent. I had a grilled shrimp noodle dish which had mint, cucumbers, carrots, bean sprouts and a fish and mild red chili sauce. The portion looked large so I was happy that I hadn't ordered an appetizer. It was the perfect end to our little road trip. I joked with my friend that we had had a successful hunting-and-gathering trip.

We were finally able to get the DVD player to work so we had movie night when Andrzej got home. We watched Rogue Trader and a few episodes of Long Way Round.

So Today is Tuesday and Mich is back to work. Andrzej has the day off but is doing some construction work on the house and I am back to my research for my future. I hope I find some leads or get some ideas, because I am getting really depressed and panicked.

I would like to start my life and not live on the good graces of my friends any longer than I have. It makes me sad that my inability to fix my life is stopping my friend who I am living with in NY from getting on properly with his life.

I wish the Universe would give me a little bit of a break..and I don't mean a break of any bone in my body.

On the road again...

2008-02-26T05:25:00.000-08:00

I have to get some things in order such as mail off my last ebay shipments for the things I posted last week, clean the house and pack things for the week I will be away.

It is time again, folks, for my one week mental health vacation trip. This year I will be staying with my friend Mich and her husband Andrzej in Coventry, CT.

I am really looking forward to it.

It will be a change of scenery, someone else's four walls. And I hope to get to work on some of the things I haven't been able to focus on such as a more focused search for jobs, grants and apartments. I'd like to sketch too because my artwork has really fallen by the wayside over the past few years because I had to focus on other things. And it wasn't that the things I focused on were fun, in fact they were the exact opposite of fun. But I am hoping that in another environment I might get some good sketches done for future paintings.

And maybe some writing, but that seems hazy because I need a lot of reference materials for that and I don't know how much I will be packing.

Which gets me back to the List part of our show. I currently have a list of 25 things I need to do. I also have a rough list of the vague things I need to pack and I have an even vaguer list of the food items I should bring so I am contributing to the household I will be spending my week with. And I know I will forget things, or bring things I don't need, or will not get around to using, but I will write the lists anyways.

I guess the reason women write lists(because most of my friends who suggest lists are 98% of the time women) is so that they feel like they have some control over their lives. That and to get the whirlwind of thoughts of the things that they need to do out of their heads and not have AS MUCH chaos in there. Women's' heads are chaotic enough without all that extra clutter.

So as writing this blog about going away is number 22 on my list(hey, I am not going in order, no one said you had to go in order), I get to cross another thing off that list and end this entry.

I have a lot to do and it seems that I don't have enough time to do all the things that need to get done. Isn't that always the way?

A Morning Spent...

2008-02-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

It was a morning spent looking online at Apartments I can't afford, at jobs that either I don't qualify for or that hold not interest for me, at grants pages(I still haven't figured out how to get those to work for me), at Fellowship pages for NY artists, at emails full of spam and trying to find pages of my artist friends...but being unable to open them.

Quite productive, eh?

It has been like this in my life since Tuesday.

The problems began over the fact that when applying for my passport, the government decided that my birth certificate was amended and demand that I provide documentation to verify the amendment. Well, that is sort of hard to provide when your birth certificate WAS NEVER AMENDED.

First phone call was to my mother to find out if she did indeed have my birth certificate amended. Which, after speaking to her, did not amend my birth certificate.

The the next 3 hours was spent on the phone with various branches and departments of vital records, town clerks and NPIC. Nothing was really fixed and all I learned was that I had to write the office that sent me the letter stating my passport couldn't be processed because of the birth certificate amendment. What this is going to accomplish is beyond me but I wrote the letter informing them of the conversations and steps that I did to try and fix a problem that really doesn't exist.

Good to know that our tax dollars are being well spent...searching for documents that aren't needed on documents that were never changed.

So God(pick one of your choice) only knows if I will ever get my passport, since this is the only certificate of birth that I have and that is on record in 2 different cities in the state of my birth.

Maybe they just want to keep my fee...

So a morning spent trying to fix a life full of misunderstandings, lost documents, spam and unanswered emails may be...I don't know what....you fill in the philosophical/zenish answer because I can't figure out the great cosmic plan.

But I have a few cool pictures of my friend and her baby(which I tried to post here...but couldn't figure out how)...so maybe that's all that matters.

Rainy days and Headaches

2008-02-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

Today is day 3 on the headache that won't quit. It may have to do with the nasty weather we are having up here. It snows one day then its 58 degrees the next and rains. Most likely it will freeze all up tonight and the driveway will become a sheer glaze ice shoot.

Nothing much has progressed forward in my moving out/move forward portion of my life, though I keep plugging on anyways. Packing takes up a lot of my time. I really need to get back to some work for the show that my friend will be taking my woodburned boxes to, otherwise I won't have very much to sell and then I will have no one to blame but myself if I don't make any money.

I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life lately, however. People have seemed to have stopped listening to what I say, or I notice that all they seem to talk about is TV. It makes me sad, as I don't spend a lot of time watching TV, so I don't have much to contribute to the conversation. In a time when I need friends the most It makes me sad to see so many of the people that I thought were my friends actually could care less about me...

One of the people I actually have been talking to a lot and I have put her in my "support network" catagory of friends gave me her opinion that she has had that happen to her as well and she considers when people stop listening or caring, maybe you have grown beyond what that friendship has to offer and that friend has become "demoted" to an acquaintence. She didn't actually use the word demoted...that's a me-ism, but that was the jist.

I wonder if I am shedding friends like a snake sheds its skin, or if this is the crunch time they talk about when you find out who are your real friends and who are just fair-weather friends.

But I am a firm believer of quality over quanity...so If I have a few good friends over a vast multitude who are there for show, I'll count myself lucky.

It doesn't hurt any less though when you are talking to someone and their expression changes to a "nobody home" look.

I guess I'll have to wait and see who is left standing beside me when the dust settles.

Pink Sky

2008-01-29T05:41:00.000-08:00

Some days are better than other days.

Yesterday was an example of a bad day for me. I couldn't stop shaking. For no reason whatsoever.

Trying to figure out where I am going to go and the fact I am going to have to start a new life probably got the better of me on a subconscious level.

Two days ago I was better. I felt like I was moving forward. Even though I was having an issue with internet speed( I have dial up), I was able to get information on Low-Income Housing Lotteries in NYC.

This made me feel better. Though at the present I have no income, so low income is still too much of a requirement for me, I wrote my requests for applications and sent them off into the world.

A few friends and my father have been giving me ideas and options. So far its FL or NY. The choices that I weigh are:
1.) my health. I don't do well in the heat.
2.)culture. The south is a different cultural group than the North East Coast and I am a New England girl born and bred.
3.)Family. I was really touched by my father and the offer he made and my family up here I have very little contact with...except for my 88 year old grandmother-whom I love to bits.
4.)job opportunities. That is difficult since the economy sucks so bad-believe what you want if you don't think so.
5.) Pet. Over the past 17 years I have had a cat and there were moments when I felt she was the only one who cared. She died, but now I have a new cat...Mystra. Even if I have to leave her with her brother Raja because I don't want them separated, I would need to have a cat in my life. My cat, in the past, kept me sane...
6.) Friends. I lost a lot of them over the years and I have been slowly trying to build up my "support network"- I would hate to lose them.
7.) Transportation. I don't drive, don't own a car, can't afford one...so car pooling or mass transit are things I need.
8.) and as George Carlin used to say "A place for my stuff". I have a lot of things I collected over the years, mostly my working referrance library and media-and art supplies. I have started throwing things out, but no amount of purging is going to get me to a state where I can live in a tiny, tiny place.
9.) Access to internet. I have been trying to work on my artwork & posting it on the web, so this is a "need".

And now I am praying to multiple deities and saints to help me get what I need, because I am so confused right now I can't ask for what I want.

Yesterday I posted some things on ebay. Today I was able to post a few pieces of my art on products on my Cafe press and zazzle pages. Those things made me feel like I was taking a few positive steps.

And though the sky was red this morning (the whole "red sky in morning...sailor take warning" saying) I have hopes for the day.

Maybe more opportunities will open up for me and point in the direction of possible choices I have for moving and career and a better life.

I'll keep my eyes open today, under the pink sky.

Just Today

2008-01-27T03:57:00.000-08:00

Today I was finally able to get this to work.

Today I woke up with a migraine for the third day in a row. So most of my day will be spent trying to function and get all those things done that I had planned to do as I was trying to fall asleep last night and maybe accomplishing 3 of them.

Three days ago I ended a 17 year journey.

Three days ago I had to start a new cycle while untangling myself from a weaving of two people's lives.

Three days ago...I was at a loss.

Today I have to continue trying to start moving forward. Even with the migraine.

This entails packing, contacting friends and trying to find out my options, and trying not to break down and cry and make my migraine worse.

I can only pack so much because this little raven has nowhere to fly and living in a house full of boxes that I will be leaving and the person who I am leaving will be staying is not only inconsiderate to them, but downright even more depressing than it already is.

So I decided to start this blog, to get things out of my head, to chronicle this and, hopefully, better things to come.