Days like these

It has been a rough few days. I have been trying not to think and just do. Trying to distract myself from the creeping depression that lurks in every shadow, seen and unseen.

It creeps in when I think that I may not be able to get to a show I have been expecting to work. A show that I was guaranteed to make a little bit of pay. All due to the fact that the Universe decided to kick the truck in the head gasket.

So I may just be screwed blue but not quite tattooed.

It just figures.

So what am I doing about it? Not a hell of a lot I can do. Yet again I am at the mercy of the "Universal HAHA" which says "How you like them apples?" I would rather not have apples, thank you. Perhaps a nice pomegranate or some sweet, red raspberries instead?

So I keep woodburning my little boxes. I am going to need them in case a miracle drops from the sky and I am able to get to and work I-Con, because god only knows if I am going to be working Fairie Festival the way my life has been dealing me cards. And this is supposed to be a "beneficial year"...snicker.

And even though I was in a great big pity puddle, I was able to get a few pieces of my artwork out of the old "pentium 2/ windows 98-running computer" and transfer them to the "dad computer" and then burn some of the files to disk. I took one of my older, more favorite pieces of art work and "made it new".

You can now see it on a few items on my Cafe Press page and my Zazzle page. The image that I used can be seen at the top of this posting. I put it on a few shirts and some mugs, at present. I hope to get it on a few more pieces, but "dial up won't let me".

I think that will be my battle cry for a bit. "Honey, why didn't you empty the cat box?" "Why, dear, dial up won't let me." "Why didn't you wash these dishes?" "Dial-up wouldn't let me."

So maybe I will be able to do what I need to do today and successfully stave of the looming, growing depression, "dial up willing".

This week From the Studio

These two pictures are 2 of the several boxes that I completed this week. The one on the bottom is my "current" Frog Prince-3/08. The one on the top is my "current" Jasmine Fairy 3/08.

Both of these faeries tend to sell out quickly, so I am constantly having to make new ones. It can be a pain, since they are all done freehand, no carbon transfers or templates. But it is good at the same time, because I get to change the designs and positioning or the figures, but at the same timeit can be bad, because if I really like the faces, they never come out the same way twice. Artist's, we are never happy...even when we are.

I am getting ready for I-Con, the sci-fi event at Stoneybrook University on Stoneybrook, Long Island.

I have been working for my friend at Black Dragon Pewter in the dealers' room at the event for many years now and in addition to helping him sell his pewter, Raven allows me to put my artwork out for sale. So the two boxes will probably be going with me to I-Con, unless someone writes me and decides they want to purchase them before I leave next week.

I-Con will be happening on April 4th-6th. For more information you can take a look at their website by visiting:

http://www.iconsf.org/

I also wanted to thank whomever purchased one of my mermaid mugs from my Zazzle page. It made me do the happy dance and lifted my moral. One thousand blessings upon your head.

If anyone is interested in taking a look at what I am talking about, you can click the zazzle link in the margin of my page, or go to the bottom of the page and click on the flash window, it should take you there.

Or you can click right here:

www.zazzle.com/om3studio*

Don't forget to check out my cafepress page too:

www.cafepress.com/om3studiocafe

Paperwork that never goes away...

I have been back from my really enjoyable mental health retreats. I really didn't want to leave the places I had been staying but unfortunately I had NY State Sales taxes to file and it is a good thing that I did come back when I did because I had another governmental document debacle that I had to deal with.

The never ending, never rectified passport "prove who you are" supplementary worksheet. See I had thought that this was all done when I had received a phone call from my roommate who had informed me that what "felt like my passport" had come in. Though I was raised to never count my chickens before they hatch, I foolishly believed that my passport was there, waiting for me.

Boy, was that foolish. After Vylitte dropped me off and I had done some unpacking, I sat down for my "reward". I slowly opened the envelope and found....

That is wasn't my passport but more papers that I had to fill out to prove I was me. Not only did I have to list every place I lived, every job I had ever held and all of the schools I had ever attended and dates...I had to provide a minimum of 5 pieces of id that was ten years or older.

SI had to call the mother I didn't have...She couldn't believe it, what I was going through, not the fact that I had called her back.

Then the document hunt began. She went through all of my stuff at home in Massachusetts, while I went through all of the boxes of things that I hadn't yet started to pack up toward moving. It has taken me about a week, but I finally was able to get dates, places and all the pertinents, along with photocopies of documents collected together. All of the stuff was shipped off to Passportlandia priority mail on Monday. I hope I didn't piss anyone off too bad and that I actually get my passport. It would be nice since I filed it in January and have been playing document pingpong ever since.

The rest of the week was bad. No progress in finding work, funding or emotional relief. I signed up with an "online money making thing" which may or may not be a scam. I am trying to figure it out and trying to get it to work for me, but it is slow going. Thing is things that work for most people don't seem to work for me, ask anyone who has known me for awhile...its just the way of things.

But each day I sign on to the 2 sites I have to work with and do my "little work". I check my survey sites, and my artwork sites to see if anything is bearing fruit. I answer emails, check classified ads, check the HUD site, work on my blogs.

I have been trying to post more of my art and events on my blogs, self promotion was one of the reasons I started these things, in addition to the lovely place to vent and give people a peek into my world and my "head".

So the next post will most likely show you...what I have been up to in the studio.

Stay tuned...

Preparing to pack

My time in Ny at "Vylitte's Lakeside Retreat" is over tomorrow. and as luck would have it it is raining, yuck and I have a cluster headache. Which makes it hard to type and do all the last minute email checking and research that I need to do on line before I leave.

So I am going to attempt to pack up in small "doses". I am happy about one thing though and that is that my friend Maggie was able to get me some boxes to pack up my things from her second job. When I get home I can resume putting my life away and taping it up. At least that is something I can do, all my other options for moving for ward in my life have fallen through.

I posted a flash panel for my Zazzle at the bottom of my page and on my Live Journal page as well, so people can find it. I have had things listed on that site for over a month and a half now and not even a nibble on any of my products. At least I sold one thing on Cafepress, not that I am getting my money because I still haven't reached their minimum for them to mail my money to me. But I'll just keep trying.

I also relisted some on my ebay items that didn't sell before I went on my trip to Mich's. I am hoping that something will sell as I would like to make a little cash toward my bills and "moving fund" and clean house a bit.

This week coming up should be on the busier side for me. I have to file my quarterly state taxes, pay some bills, continue to do research and woodburn boxes for I-Con in April and the Fairie Festival in May. I hope this year is a little better than last year, but with the price of crude oil driving the price of gasoline up, I seriously doubt it.

Its sad that no matter how hard you try and work hard and do the right thing something outside of your control always seems to be waiting to dash your hope and kick you back in to the gutter.

When can I breathe?

At some point in the day I hit the "crying place".

Things had started out alright, good in fact. I was actually enjoying the day and a got a few things accomplished. Then the bottom fell out.

I went to check on the insurance quote that I have to purchase for the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm. Everything looked out...but I am an idiot and should have read it through more carefully. My "checks and balance man" who lives in my brain must have taken a bathroom break and everything seemed "go". I payed for the policy and they when I was printing up the policy for my files, before I sent the PDF off to the promoters of the event...I noticed there was no medical coverage, as was required. Then I noticed there was no Fire coverage...a basic need and requirement for this festival. Sigh.

But I noticed this as I was replying to an email and suddenly a Windows Automatic Update(I hate damn Vista) caused the computer to shut down. Then the downward spiral began.

I have to go and make supper for my hostesses in 20 minutes and I am feeling pressured...my own doing though...

I had to write an email to the Special event insurance contact to inform her I was an idiot and hopefully, this policy can be fixed. Its already paid for by this idiot..a policy that I can't use. Grrr.

This got me to thinking about the contents of 2 emails that upset me, knocking me down 2 more rungs on the emotional ladder. One reminded me about how people never listen to you and the other brought me right back into the land of "YOU Have Nowhere To Live".

To address the second thought...no-live-landia....I looked at the room that I was going to possibly rent that is part of the basement where my friends have their apartment where I am currently staying. I don't think its going to work. Which now narrows my 2 possible options to zero. I can't call anyone on the phone to talk and what would I say if I could..."oh pity me?" Nobody did when I mentioned my "issues" a month and a half ago when my life the bottom fell out of my life, nobody is now as I try to pick up the piece but find I had nowhere to turn, and nobody will in the future because that is just how my life is.

Someone responded to a posting I made requesting ideas on how to proceed in fixing my life on a site dedicated to financial assistance telling me I should join the army. I am 39 and not in the best of health. Hmmm, thanks for suggesting it. I think I will go to my local recruiter right now.

Maybe I can get shipped over seas and not come back...on second though...Where CAN I sign up?

In case you lost me...

I left Coventry, Ct, but didn't go home like I was originally supposed to.

I was sad about not finishing at least some of what I had set out to do while I was at my friends' home. Before I left I mentioned on one of my other blog pages that I wanted to be adopted for a week. Boy was I happy when someone actually responded. I think I would have felt really stupid if I had had no takers.

So off I went to Holmes, NY. My CT friends were happy that they didn't have to make the 4 hour drive to take me home. Instead the drive was only 2 hours.

I had stayed here last year around this time, but in a different place. LOL. Here I meant with this same group of friends, not the physical location, and thus a different place. Their last apartment was nowhere as nice as this one. It was bigger, but there were more problems with their Landlord and their apartment would flood whenever it rained. They lost a lot of their things, some of of it being books...which is sad and actually a crime.

But they found a new place shortly after I had left their place last year. Their Landlady is better and so far the apartment is dry. I had stayed here on the weekends that I had been working the Southern, CT Ren Faire, so I had had an idea of what it looked like. This is actually one of the places on my list of possible places to live.

Tonight I am supposed to, possibly, take a look at the room I would be renting(if I actually get any money). I can then have a visual to figure out if my stuff will fit in there.

I really don't know what to do. I am having no luck on finding leads on work, grants, or other ways to get money that are legal. I did mail out my latest housing lottery form. I am keeping my fingers crossed(that will explain the typos in this blog), that I get accepted. Again, I don't know how I will pay for it, but I would feel more self-sufficient. I have had a bad track record with roommates, a get sort of hedgy when the "take a roommate idea" is mentioned.

So I am continuing my intensive search for financial assistance, but it is a bit more difficult, in a different way, than it was in CT as the three of us are sharing the same computer.

I hope a viable option or lead rears its head soon as I am starting to lose patience in trusting in things I cannot see.

A Day in the Life-March 4th

I arrived in Coventry,CT safe and sound. I was physically a wet dishrag and no matter what I did I felt like I had been put through the wringer. My friend Mich was the same way. I think it was lack of real sleep for the 3 days before I arrived. That and the 6 day headache I had that just wouldn't quit. Sunday was the day I got nothing done.

I am staying in the little apartment that they have that adjoins the house. Its nice to have a little quiet space to retreat to. There is a door that adjoins the kitchen so if I want to talk to my friend when she is home and is working on her Uberkuchi.com business...I just open the door. I can sit in "my space" and work in the lap top she is letting me use and still keep her company.

Sunday I got settled in my apartment and we tried to watch Long Way Round with Mich's husband. But as luck would have it the DVD player wouldn't read the disk. We had to relocate to a different room and watch the movie on the computer. We barely were able to do that since Andrzej fell asleep and Mich and I were both fading fast.

Monday was spent answering emails, checking my art accounts, Mich packing up shipments for orders placed while she was away. We were able to go to a few "ethnic" grocery stores I had asked to go to when I had arrived. I was able to pick up a few spices I had depleted and a few health care items that I couldn't get living in Eldred.

We had intended on going for Indian food, but every time we found a place it seemed to be closed to prepare for the dinner shift. We ended up at a Vietnamese place. I had never eaten that typed of food so I was really excited. The place was really clean, the women who owned the place was very nice and the food was excellent. I had a grilled shrimp noodle dish which had mint, cucumbers, carrots, bean sprouts and a fish and mild red chili sauce. The portion looked large so I was happy that I hadn't ordered an appetizer. It was the perfect end to our little road trip. I joked with my friend that we had had a successful hunting-and-gathering trip.

We were finally able to get the DVD player to work so we had movie night when Andrzej got home. We watched Rogue Trader and a few episodes of Long Way Round.

So Today is Tuesday and Mich is back to work. Andrzej has the day off but is doing some construction work on the house and I am back to my research for my future. I hope I find some leads or get some ideas, because I am getting really depressed and panicked.

I would like to start my life and not live on the good graces of my friends any longer than I have. It makes me sad that my inability to fix my life is stopping my friend who I am living with in NY from getting on properly with his life.

I wish the Universe would give me a little bit of a break..and I don't mean a break of any bone in my body.